"I wanna learn you...

inside out."
-Lifehouse

Recently, I've been...well I guess, searching for a better me. This week has helped me get a better insight on what kind of person I am, who I'm looking for and who I will become. A lot of soul searching within myself. It's tough.
You start seeing your true qualities, your defects, what you need to get rid of (bad habits), etc...
I'm still in the middle and in between paths of were and what should I be. But why should I try to see who I am to please other people. I am who I am. Sometimes I do get tired of being my good ol' self, I just wanna take a risk and not care what other people think. Or stop thinking about what I do will affect me in the future, I have to live for today...not save all my energy for a day that's not promised.

"We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are.
Sane or insane.
Saints or sex addicts.
Heroes or villains.
Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future.
Or we can decide for ourselves, and maybe it's our job to invent something better."
-Chuck Palahniuk

A little note to my post, "I wandered through fiction, to look for the truth": ...maybe sometimes what you're after is not your fault, because happily ever after is what you're taught.

Someone once said...

I came to visit you today, but as I can see, you're as happy as you can be...up in that castle of yours.

I'm just hoping that I'll be that prince charming to someone who loves me the way...I love you.

"I wandered through fiction, to look for the truth...

...buried beneath all the lies.

And I stood at a distance,

to feel who you are,

hiding myself in your eyes..."

-The Goo Goo Dolls

Haven't written one of these in a while. The excuse, been searching for the right title/song to go with this so-called, 'self-done interview'. A pathetic excuse, right?

I've been feeling so stressed and confused lately.

I did not know the summer could be this stressful and irritating, I can't stand being home anymore. It's not because of the boring days that I've gone through...those I can live with, it's just the people around me.

Maybe it's the heat caused by the useless AC in our house, this frustration has also been brought by some people, one is...well we'll call him "Mr. 'E' man" (say it fast lol), only because of thoughts that have been put into my head by other people, it's basically overwhelming my own train of thought and not being able to make a straight decision. Some say that the only reason I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with him because I'm eager to have a male companion and because of the attention he gives me...hmmm...I don't really think that can be a choice. I don't mind being my own person and my own companion. My sister mentions to me many of times that I'm so much more "beautiful" than he is. Why would I want someone who is outrageously handsome? So maybe someone can come along and steal them away? The thing that I like about him are the little things he shows towards me, cute things, something he wouldn't try showing someone else.

I have to know him a bit more to actually make a decision, I need to feel who he is as a person and see how he handles different kinds of situations that could possibly entwine myself and "Mr. 'E' man".

I believe that my own opinions about "Mr. 'E' man" haven't really hit me because I respect others opinions to a high level. I do care what other people have to say, but if I do what they want me to, I'll never be able to live my own life. I'll sit there waiting for someone to give me an option of doing something, choose the highest possibility of what the "audience" might pick and run with that. Something like, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire's ask the audience help option.

-I don't know why this has had a bigger effect on me than in the past months or years.

"A risk that might break you is the one that would save...a life...you don't live is still lost."

Taking a chance might actually help us in the end, it only comes to our choice what we want to experience when the moment arrives.

Editor's Note: Writing and thinking of the right words for this post have helped me ease into a decision that I have no idea what lies ahead for me in the future. But the spontaneity has never felt better.

"Hold on! Before it's too late...it's all that I need in my life."

"The world is open for us, we just need to take the most prized and precious first step."
-Nidia

"If the world's a stage...

. . .we're all searching for a part."

Recently these weeks have been calm but busy, makes no sense but they have.

I just found out what my role has been in life for the past 5-6 years.

I'm the kind of girl/woman that prepares guys/men, whatever you'd like to refer the opposite sex to, in getting ready for an actual relationship with someone. I'm the friend who gives them the confidence and the hope that they need. Once they get what they needed from me they go and pursue any girl that walks by them.

And I'll usually get thrown down and just get a friendly hug from that someone who I actually cared so much about.

It happened countless number of times throughout these years.

Funny how I just realized it, huh?

For example, 2 years ago I fell in love with this 20 yr old. In my eyes, he was everything I always wanted, he was perfect, he made me happy. But I was the girl who helped him get over his ex-girlfriend, who ruthlessly broke his heart. Now he's up to get married. . .but not with me. With a girl, nice girl might I add, who he met right after I came back to El Paso.

-Just a simple example.

"To never love somebody, to never see the stars from the ground, to never taste cold water..."

I'm getting tired of it. I really want to change that part of my life, I want to stop being so much of a friend and start having that bit of a romantic spark to me that guys should be interested in.

Hopefully, I can change that as soon as possible.

Besides that, summer has been great! Been talking to family a whole lot more. Expecting a cousin's arrival from New York on the 13/14th of this month. I can't wait. Work hasn't been so hectic, maybe because I rarely have hours lol. But good things come to those who wait. Hopefully.

I'm so happy I'm entering college, I finally got my head figured out (a whole lot of soul searching in myself, got my priorities straight.) I've decided what I want to major and minor in! Yay! I'm going to major in Spanish and double minors in Secondary Education and in Translation. I really really hope I don't change my mind. A teacher I had helped me realize what I really wanted to do with my life. I'm thinking of going to the school and thanking her. . .for everything. (and I want to thank you Dean, as well.)

I've been over viewing my schedule for school, man, I'm going to be going up and down this upcoming fall. But I love it, I'd rather be busy than have nothing to do.

Recently, my eyes caught hold of a city league, The Diablos, baseball player.

And wow, I'm amazed! lol! I saw him at a club "Wet" on Thursday 'Salsa Night'. I can't get enough of him. But he's just bad news, if you know what I mean. Hope I get to see more of him and actually get a number or a dance. :]

Anywho, I noticed lately that I don't/can't remember a few things that happened in the past months! I can't recall events I helped in, people, things I did, etc. . . I'm a tad scared. Hopefully it'll all come to me. I'm very excited for the 4th of July! We're headed to Red Sands that day with a couple of friends. Let's see how that goes.

[listening to Melody Gardot's album: Worrisome Heart]

"I need a hand with my worrisome heart. . .

. . .I would be lucky to find me a man

Who could love me the way that I am

With this here worrisome heart. . .

. . .I need a break from my troubling ways

I would be lucky to find me a man

Who could love me the way that I am. . .

. . .I need a man who got no baggage to claim. . .

. . .Who could love me the way that I am. . .

. . .A worrisome, troubling, baggage-free, modern day dame

Ain't nobody the same."

Basking in everything.

Recently, I've been having an enormous amount of luck in some part of my life. The part of my life I thought didn't exist. Now it's glowing more than ever.
I'm happy to say that now I'm on the right track, enjoying life to the fullest, loving and remembering every laugh, trying to make each day better than the one before.
-Enjoying so much of the present that it's hard to see and make out what lies in the future.

Events have come up nonstop. I do wish that the rest of this summer will be the same way. Been with many friends these past weeks, something that strikes me as odd. When we were in school we never took time to be together, but now that we don't see each other as often we hang out as much as we can. Something we normally didn't do together("partay" lol).

Those "awful things" have come back again to haunt me, just when I started to be the grown up and achieving the privacy that I needed in my life. Will I ever overcome them? Maybe too soon to find out, hopefully and prayerfully I will. But, I guess, it's what makes me me!

On the other hand, life has been fair; before I never had most of the things I have now, but if you just wait...it'll all come to you. . .in time.
Thinking that now in August I'm going to be surrounded by people more mature, more understanding of what's around them. Maybe I'll get "lucky". Nothing like high school, thank God.
Halfway done with orientation, I have a math teacher/tutor who knows nothing about math. When I'm there I go to sleep or daydream, if not she'll confuse and make me question Mrs. Chacon! [the best math teacher in high school]

Been feeling great emotionally and mentally but so tired physically. Doing too much, more than what my body was used to. Love it!

Update.

Plans. Plans. And more plans.
Looking for an apartment (looking but possibly won't buy none, but wanting to. No money, none at all.), summer plans, college(excited about that one), looking for a job...just to sum up a few.

Wondering how many of you actually sit there and read this. (Dean, thank you.)
And realizing that I have to stop treating this blog as if it were some kind of college essay or newspaper column.

I've learned to appreciate the true things around me, friends for one. Graduation is just around the corner, I can taste it! I'm so excited to leave all this life behind and move on to greater and better things.

I recently registered for New Student Orientation at UTEP, pretty freaking excited!
My dad isn't so enthused and optimistic about me going to college. Weird, huh? He wants me to just get a small 6 to 8 month career, and get on with my life like that. I somewhat knew and prepared myself for it because I just know how he is. I basically don't like sharing my life with my father, so some of you now know why I come to you and explain events in excruciating details. My mom on the other hand just doesn't have time...my sister, just wants you to hear her out but when it comes to you, she becomes uninterested. Funny, actually; I've come to cope and mend with it. That's why I would go to him often, but now, there's nothing to talk about or we just don't talk.
Ah, but what the heck.
Found new great/amazing people to express myself, and they actually take the time to hear me out.

Only 6 more days left of high school. Everyone is trying to finish up their yearbook signatures. Trying to keep grades up. Watching movies in every class now or just having "end of the year" parties. I've been visiting teachers that I've had throughout the years, it's been good seeing them, remembering good memories in their classroom. Some I will miss. Others...ehh.

I will surely miss the daily routine, but I think I'm positive I'll find another along the way.

Terrified.

Some of you might not know but I'm pretty frightened at the fact that maybe I'm one exam away of possibly having brain surgery.
Being a bit rash, and conclusive and might not even happen that way. But...
Today I have my EEG appointment at 8 a.m. Reading what's going to happen during the exam. Because of it, I have to stay awake 24 hrs.
Scared shitless.
You know, you don't grow up thinking that maybe someday you'll subject yourself to having "open brain surgery".
It's pretty tough, wishing that some of you were there to support me. But I'm somewhat obligated to keep it on the down low. (posting it up online isn't really keeping it on the DL lol)
I keep it to myself because it really isn't a matter that I want the whole public to be aware of, might get treated differently, the whole stereotyping deal and what not.

It's tough to write all this, 'cause every sentence I get ahold of, I begin to cry. And as we speak as well.
I really hope that none of you go through a time like this...ever.
But even though all this is going on I still live life with incredible optimism and happiness.

"Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."