Remembering him once again.

Remembering how I fell in love with him, how I lost him, how nothing even started, how I watched him take the joyous voyage to the steps of engagement and now marriage.

He was the kind of person that you want them to be happy, no matter how far that puts you in their lives.

All this "love" makes me laugh, "why do I hold it so closely, if it doesn't...if it doesn't mean anything." One thing that I could tell you that it was so much farther than what people now call love. What they feel is premature enlightenment. Because they just get a hint of it, and instantaneously it's the best thing in the world, and they don't stop calling it that.

It degrades/demeans what it really is.

You know, they say that the best ones are never yours.
I'm starting to think that that's true.

This will sound sad, but I don't believe that I'll love someone else as much. This is more understandable and even more reasonable now that I have fallen out of love, and seen it from a different point of view. Funny that I still out speak these feelings after 2 years of meeting him. And what a wonderful time that was.


It's never logical when you're in love. I never thought or told myself why am I keeping this faith and hope. Why did I keep it, if there was no secure-ment of a relationship forming.
We're just like a racehorse running through the track with blinders on, seeing only what we want to see(only what benefits us), and not looking around. Not realizing and actually admiring what surrounds us. This is what happens when love takes over...

This might infer to you to not fall in love. No, I'm not saying that, love is amazing. Just fall in love but through a bird's eye view noticing and taking in things from a different perception/perspective, and not just hearing things the way you want them but in reality how they really are.

"She was a smart girl, till she fell in love."

Someone taught me to not look forward for those dumb fake fairy tale stories, that almost the majority of all women make up, they set up fake preferences and goals in relationships we have. We(women) look forward to a prince charming to come sweep us off our feet, right? Thanks to all these movies, books and T.V. series like Passions or Days of Our Lives. We have to see the reality in them...there isn't any.

So why wait for the guy if tomorrow isn't promised, we all have goals(relationships) we want to succeed in, what's stopping us from actually living those goals/dreams? Shouldn't we make as much progress as we can today?

Fall in love...carefully.

We work so hard for something, and in an instant it's out of your hands and on the floor.

Funny how fast everything you've worked for, everything you've tried to accomplish in a certain period of time, can all fall down the drain in less than 30 seconds. And I'm not going to lie, it completely ruins my goals, my tasks that I have set for myself. I am no longer able to complete them...in an independent stage.

Yesterday, early in the day, miraculously I started feeling the adult that I'm supposed to be.

But I tell myself this very often, no matter how old you act or the level of maturity you've been able to acquire, people will always see you as the number in your I.D. People, might include family, friends, love interests, teachers, employers/employees/coworkers, etc...

It might change throughout, but it is rare for 35 yr old to see an 18 yr old as one of their own(not meaning as a child or sibling), just a simple example.

Thought that I was ready to set myself free from all the things that we usually attain from home.

 Someone always stands in my path for success, they just don't allow me to get a taste of the nice midnight breeze. This might sound arrogant or non appreciative, but this person is my mother. Many always tell my sister and I, "oh you just don't understand, just wait till you have kids." But that's not an accurate piece of information. I see individuals with an eased state of mind, and their children are emerging greatly in this "piece-of-shit" world.

Maybe I'm just overlooking too many things right now because part of my life is ending really soon, not dying but just ending.

But that's the beauty of it, we all have to adjust to it and change with it.

No matter how life changing or life breaking it could be.

Treating apathy as some kind of virtue? Or is it life?

Recently, I've been becoming afraid, afraid of becoming like John Doe from Se7en. But of course, not in anyway similar to him for the murders but of the way he writes, how he writes, etc... He writes endlessly in these notebooks, thousands of them, each with 250 pages and all filled from top to bottom with detailed choice of words. It's incredible for this fictional character to do such a thing, but at the same time disgusting, what he does.

This, as you come to infer, is a small trickle of imagination cutting loose and speaking out.




Anyway, I say this because I love writing...some things. For example, at school we're forced to write essays about Frankenstein, what does Dante think about the Seven Deadly Sins, Canterbury's Tales, how do I think my anatomy lab went, what do I think about: Ahmadinejad jeering out at the anti-racism conference, cutting down on $100 million in 90 days, how President Karzai tells Fareed Zakaria that the U.S. must work with the Afghan government, not the Taliban, for peace, how President Hugo Chavez's ignorance and hypocrisy towards President Obama, could have, in reality, a true meaning there, a purpose. The list goes on and on. This kind of writing is hard to enjoy, I probably speak for myself here, some students could write never ending reports about these topics.

I'm the kind of person who enjoys writing about how my past days have reflected on days that are up to come. Not events that affect just myself but the people around me, as well. How my so-called "love life" hasn't really taken shape, the amazing friends that surround me, events that try to engulf almost all of me with just one breath, if that makes any sense.
Recently, I've been thinking and wondering about "writing" because I'm behind on school work. And it's mostly essay work. Part of it, is because I've become so overwhelmed with procrastination, that it's not even funny.
Funny how I'd rather write endlessly in these blogs other than doing homework.
Funny how "I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue."

First of all, shocked, is all I can say...

Yesterday was all but expected.
We seriously had no idea that we were to be chosen to advance in UIL One Act Play for Regional Competition. But incredibly, we compelled the judge for the night of our interpretation of "The Rimers of Eldritch" by Lanford Wilson.

After our performance, around 6 p.m., our sound technician and I headed backstage to help the rest of the crew and cast place all of our props back so the next performing play, Burgess(in which they will be accompanying us to Regionals also, for their winning achievements.), could set their props for their performance. This time after our performance, I was all but confident, I almost certainly knew that my lights were all but perfect.

Because I was in a state of anxiety, it was hard to see and even do my job right. My nerves were so infectious to my body that I almost began to cry. Everyone, including parents, were consoling me, telling me that it was the best performance of the year, that it was truly realistic and believable. Yeah; they were talking all about the cast, and don't get me wrong, they were genuinely amazing. Even I, who have witnessed the play countless number of times, had to take a minute to absorb the great acting skills that were shown that night from our cast.

After a while, I began to calm myself down and just enjoy the night, I somewhat did. That goal wasn't fully accomplished because we had many thoughts that:
1. we were done for.
2. not to be cocky, but this was the last year that our directors had a winning chance with a big cast and crew.
3. as my last year at Riverside High School, we weren't advancing.
4. as my last year, this may be almost last chance that I'll be able to be in an actual theatre competition and in theatre alone; and be surrounded by the people I truly admire and love.

By the time that awards were up to be announced, almost all of us were accepting the fact that we were up against two other schools that had better acting, lighting, sound, costumes, than us. That we didn't stand a chance. That they have fooled the judge so well into believing their little quirk of a show. A concept that we thought we knew that we didn't achieve.

But the true quirk of fate, was ours. In shocking surprise, the contest manager announced our name in one of two advancing plays. We also took home the best actress award, three all-star cast awards and three honorable mention awards. After awards, we were up for critique by the judge. When the judge came up to us, she made notice that we verily compelled her with our show. That we weren't the ones fooling her into believing our show, she was the one fooling us, at the beginning, making us believe that our show was an unacceptable excuse of a play.

We all went home with proud bodies of mind remembering the stand innovation from known friends and family after our performance.
But what we needed, was to give ourselves our own stand innovation, and realize the extraordinary job last night, a part from the other plays.
"The difference between ordinary and extraordinary, is that little extra."

and I speak for all of us there:
Last of all, shocked, is all I can say...

April 4, 2009; a retrospective moment...

A great day, none the less. It all started by going to Tinseltown Movie Theatres, buying tickets for The Fast and The Furious and then changing them last minute so we can see The Haunting In Connecticut. An interesting, somewhat scary(the thing that makes this movie scary was that it was based on true events/true story), and a bit twisting. The biggest part that I loved was watching it with Maria, gosh, she gets frightened so easily, it's actually funny. Poor her, she would jump at the sight of something insignificantly dire.

After that we decided to go dine in at Pei Wei Asian restaurant...but fortunately it was extremely full of people looking to grab some won tons and orange chicken. We then took a vote on just grabbing a bite to eat at Applebee's, had a 9 oz. Sirloin steak with 3 strawberry lemonades, it was alright, my sirloin was a tad bit overcooked.
But overlooking the fact that my plate could of been a victim like of that of the movie "Waiting...", the night was great, as I said before.
Cindy, Eddie, Maria and Lauren were entertaining throughout the night. Maria had a crazy idea, in which actually convinced me to go to Jaguar's Strip Club(now that I'm able to go), but of course we didn't go. What a bummer. Funny how we wanted to attend a women's strip club and see them demean themselves and abuse cocaine...ha ha.

Other than this, it was much fun, had a few thoughts that maybe he could of celebrated it with me but realized it won't ever happen that way, this realization was first brought upon a new upcoming movie called "Obsessed", it seems like an interesting movie...

Well, best wishes to myself and happy birthday...
Honestly,
-Nidia

today was a good day...for my birthday eve

Today was pretty interesting and well...
wishing that he can see what I go through just because of him...but there he goes "loving" his gf.

"I'm getting tired of this.
Tired of wishing everyone good luck, and just watching from the sidelines.
As much as it hurts to see everyone so happy, I still tell them what's best for them.
As much as it hurts to do that, I'll still live my life...
Something started to entwine with you and me, but someone came along and broke us free."

Besides the lines above, the day was pretty great; I spent this day like I would of liked to. Many great laughs that will probably be remembered for a good amount of time.

Went to the twins' track meet at the school, pretty exciting for all of us, meet many handsome young men(when I mean handsome young men I mean: immature, looking for someone to f..., "closed minded", all brawns and no brains, etc...).

While there I worked on many friendships, tried to get them back up where they used to be...but of course I won't be able to do that in one day.

I also enjoyed this day because my father for the first time since I can remember, wasn't angry for the week/weekend of my birthday. Actually, it's a miracle. And a hard to believe one too.

I got a few things ready for tomorrow(my birthday dinner), setting times and restaurants that accommodate everyone or that everyone will enjoy. Excited for it. Wishing he could be there tomorrow, but realizing that it won't happen like that.

Hopefully everything will work out and will be a night to remember...

Honestly, Nidia

The race towards a competitive streak has begun

Yesterday,
at first, was extremely tiring, with wind of almost 50 mph blowing across us, taking us unexpectedly...just like we did in our night's performance of Rimers of Eldritch at The Chamizal Theatre. Before we presented that night, we attended our tech rehearsal which took place around 12:30 p.m., we didn't think we had a winning chance, we were frightened at the fact that this can actually be our last time rehearsing and performing this breath taking and moral inspiring play. We were nervous, I always am, so I ignored my own pressure in which was put upon our director(s) to do an incredible job on my, ok, ok their light board. We had many hours ahead of us before we were up to perform, about 7 or 8 hours. Imagine being together with actors and actresses that are "divas". A weird experience, none the less. It in fact was a long and hard day.

But after looking at it in winning eyes, it was a night that should have been enjoyed and pondered long after the stage lights have dimmed and the play has ended.