A brand new journey, brand new day. The same old path, a forgotten yesterday.

Patches and fragments of memory still within me. An almost unknown yesterday and an unknown tomorrow, all I have is today.
Putting together a puzzle with missing pieces, I'll always try to do the best I can as much as I can.

As of today, I've made very little progress.
Every memory has been washed away, leaving footprints for me to follow.
I'm doing what I can to follow but there seems to be gaps everywhere I go.

For example, I am not able to remember things from when I was 16 up until now.
As if I've never lived and went through those 4-5 years.
Everything I learned, shared, and experienced in those years feel like they never happened.
They feel like dreams.
I'll get better sooner or later.

I really hope the thing that caused all this doesn't happen again, I'll admit I'm afraid.
I would never wish this on anyone.
But hey, better me than someone else :)
I try to make the best out of it and have fun with it.
If I'll never be able to recover my memories I'll at least get to make new ones from today and tomorrow...

"My heart is yours.
It's you that I hold on to.
That's what I'll do..."

P.S.
Friends and family, please bear with me. I'm so sorry for the frequent and duplicate questions that I speak. It's out of my hands...love and understand :)

Cuando me enamoro, se detiene el tiempo...

"It's no use talking and describing about love to anybody, but you. They won't understand.
I guess you can call it selfish, to keep such an amzing feeling to myself.
But what use is it to chatter away if they'll never experience it."
-By your truly

One year ago today, my heart melted for him...

A year ago today,
I met the man of my dreams.
It's crazy how time flew by.

We brought in a new year with our first kiss
And now we're letting go of an incredible year with another loving kiss.

I would of never thought in my wildest dreams that this year would turn out the way it has.
It's crazy how I'm still crazy about him.
Feels like I've known him for years and years.
But still as much in love with him as our first months together.
I've never felt anything like this.
It's amazing.
Incredible.
It really feels like I'm in a Disney fairy tale story.
I wouldn't change it for the world.

I can't even describe it, that's love though.
He went over to my house today at 4 am to drop off a love letter. It was so unexpected.
I can't stop smiling and glowing.
I've never felt this happy before
Many people envy us, we have something that people want and need in their lives.
Some go their whole lives without it, some claim to have experienced it, others, the lucky ones, have it and won't ever let go of it.

I used to believe I've experienced it and had it in my life, but I was so wrong, I never knew what it was until my knight in shinning armor showed up at my doorstep Dec. 31st, 2009.

Fate brought us together.
He's my dream come true, and I never want to wake up ;)
Just last night, I mentioned to my mother, "this is the man I'm going to marry, I know I'll waking up in his arms for the rest of my life."

The great thing about it is that he feels exactly the same way.
He's the most loving, caring, handsome, cute, funny, and one in a million kind of boyfriend.

Happy One Year Anniversary baby!

P.S.
I love you

"Deep within the corners of my mind..."

My small neighborhood.
Terrorized by a murderer.
If they only knew who it was, I knew, somehow I knew.
His main targets: pets.
Night after night a dog or a cat was found gruesomely killed and tortured.
I knew who I'd point my finger to.
I knew who would get sure mere amusement of such a disgusting thing.

He wasn't young or old. 56.
Name, unknown.
Gray beard. Thin.
In a green button-up shirt smeared with dry blood.
Khaki pants which have been torn by days and days of use.
Friendly until you read "his book" not only his "front cover".

22nd of October, cold and quiet night.
Moon plain in sight through the pure white clouds.
The smell of emptiness surrounded the streets.
The touch of fog came upon us slowly but surely.
As the night progressed, as I entered my sacred home of relaxation, there he was.
Sitting in a bar stool across my reach.
Looking down at a small kitten comfortably laying in his hand. Petting it with the other.
The kittens ears, cut off. But still held joy to be in the hands of his owner.

Hands covered with blood.
Never acknowledged my presence.
Saw the room as it was, nothing more, nothing less.
He stood from his previous position.
He stood there watching me.
Focused on my hands and feet.
Suddenly the kitten disappeared.

The rush of adrenaline excited my nerve endings. Numb.
You never know the feeling until you get it...
at that moment I became a murderer.
I began to beat him endlessly. Without any remorse.
Without a sense of being human.

The only words that would dare slip out his mouth were, "I'm just the beginning...", up until my foot hit with full force breaking his sternum and fracturing the lower part of his ribs.
The break of his sternum made his words disappear into harsh grunts.
He laid on the floor.
He kept softly uttering the words, "I'm just the beginning...".
I stepped back. Catched my breath.

As I step back I see what appears to be a wooden baseball bat, a Louisville Slugger, leaning against a white wall.
An idea.
A few steps arrived me to the bat. I held it in my hands.
The rush of adrenaline, disgusted excitement and of vendetta came from within me.

He's still there. Lying there.
Justice in my own hands?
I lifted the bat high above my head, took a step back, the bat broke the air and landed on his muscle-covered femur. Bruising it instantly.
Grunt after grunt was followed after each painful crack of bone.

I stood over him.
Above his back. Looking down at him.
An advantage. The Louisville Slugger nicely fitted in my hands.
The perfect opportunity. To relieve from his "duties" forever.
I held the bat high above my head so it will land straight on his skull.
As I held it high, the bat broke my grip and fell into the floor.

Becoming a monster wasn't in my future.
I gave up my physical strength to show my weakness, my inner strength.
I couldn't sink lower than the 56 year old murderer.


And this is where my dream decided to end its book.
Very interesting, creepy none the less.

Insomnia never sleeps, so why should we?

Why do the thoughts of earlier days that made you angry, upset, and sad come to you when you're about to lay down, close your eyes, relax your body and rest your mind.

Is it because we have a room all to ourselves covered from wall to wall in darkness?
Or is our subconscious trying to tell us something? Converse with us in some way.

"If we believe that we're all alone in this world, know that we're together in that too, nobody who is alone is alone. There are many people feeling the same stranded-ness that you're feeling right now."
It's just a matter of how you see it, your perspective.

Do you have the similar problem? I mean, having those thoughts come back to you while you lay down your sword and shield for the day.

"I'm leaving for a destination that I still don't know..."

I used to come here to get things off my chest. To come back in the future and remember how I felt when I wrote this...

Now I feel as if I can't do that here. I'm trying, I am, I'm trying to get back into it.
Trying to find the writer in me that's currently in a writer's "union" just boycotting any work.

Don't know why but it feels like something is stopping me. Never had this before. Hoping it goes away...

Have you noticed that I've been using the word "feel" very often...haha weird.

"...help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever. Everybody wants to rule the world."

Recently I've been thinking about my past.
Why?
It should be behind me already, I've already put it behind me.
I've cut myself off from the past just so it can only be a memory.
And that's all it's supposed to be...
(trying to get back to writing, thought this could be a start, because it was too long for a post on facebook and twitter lol)

Editor's Note:
Little experiment is on its way, I'm pretty excited.
A blog almost everyday of how love still exists in mankind.
How it affects me everyday, how my special someone affects me everyday.
Stay tuned.

If you were seeking people to work for your company...

...would you hire let's say Person A, who does what the position requires amazingly, let's say a hair stylist; the person who is applying for the job styles hair and creates great work of art naturally.
They were born to do what they are applying for.
-plus this gives your company much more customer intake and much more money.
But has no job experience or degrees in that field.

or

would you hire Person B, who has had many jobs, has a degree in "hair styling" but they are bad at what they trained to do. What they studied isn't for them, they should of reconsidered or even thought twice of getting training in that field. They flat out suck.
-and if you do hire this person it will lower the number of customers and of course what we all need...money.
But you only hired Person B because of his long (with many jobs and so much education) resume.

Of course, naturally, you'd hire Person A...

if only the job market would view employees this way...

I never knew having something stolen could ever feel this good...

Happiest I've ever been.

He's my one in a million.

I first talked to him around mid June…and you wouldn't believe it where… on Twitter.

And as luck would have it, he read one of my blogs, that commented on a guy I was lusting over. To keep the guys name in secret I used the first letter of his name, "E". As a little joke for myself, I mentioned the guy as "Mr. E" (mystery). lol

Which just happened to be my now boyfriend's username on Twitter! He thought I was talking about him, I explained, and exchanged numbers. Ha ha

But I paused what was going between myself and him, due to some issues that occurred during mid-late ’09. It took 6 months to regain communication with him. He asked me to be his date for New Years Eve. I hesitated, what went through my mind was: relationships that begin from meeting online are a complete failure and never "hit it off". After all, I said yes. Something my parents weren't so ok with.

As the day became night on the 31st of December my legs became shaky, my appetite was lost, and my stomach was filled up to the top with those cute white with pink butterflies. Then, the door bell rang.(Falling in love wasn't my plan but who am I to fight it) I walked out of my house, saw him for the first time and asked myself one question, "is this real?" He took my breath away, in a good way, though. I couldn't believe the night, it felt unreal. Midnight struck and so did our first kiss. Now I knew it was all but a dream. Incredible, if I might add.

As each day passes, we realize how a simple "yes" changed both of our lives in so many beautiful ways that we can only imagine. We both thought none of this love would ever come knocking at our door, but if I remember it quite well, he actually rang the door bell and didn't knock. :)

I was recently asked, "is he what you imagined a boyfriend to be?" I replied, "No. He's even better than I imagined." A smile followed.

They say things always happen for a reason, nothing comes into your life without a purpose. I've always understood and believed this saying, but now I know for a fact that "The Man up in The Heavens" puts you through courses or paths in life that have a meaning.

"Let's take the necessary steps to be each other's God's Best" -Unknown

"I love you today more than yesterday and tomorrow more than today." -Eric =)

He stole my heart.

Incapable.

In a desperate search to find that writer and photographer that I once had in me.
Writer's block for 3 months.
Nothing comes to mind.
Lost the sense of creativeness that ignited my fingers to type from words to sentences that turned into paragraphs and those paragraphs became a short story of the day.

Trying to regain it...for the past 3 months now.
Thought of a story not too long ago, about the mass drug related murders going on "next door".
But misdirected that story with too much thought...it broke what was supposed to come naturally.

"Through the worry, worry, worry,
caught in an endless maze,
when the lights go out,
all I can think about
is how we've seen...
better days."
-A. Lee

New Book.

It's been hard to not post any material from my book that I'm working on to blogspot. But if I post things up then what's the point of buying the book, right?
Here are a few themes/chapters in the book...and I still can't figure out a title for it.

• It's a unisex book
• Falling back into your old footsteps
• the difference from a heartbreak and a breakup
• men and women, same hardships but different situations
• maturity
• what life should really be
• the lines that should or can be crossed and the ones that can't
• the best advice is from deep within you(your gut instinct)
• acknowledge what's around you

Waiting...is it virtue? Or just apathy?

I'm getting tired of this.
Tired of wishing everyone good luck, and just watching from the sidelines.
As much as it hurts to see everyone so happy, I still tell them what's best for them.
As much as it hurts to do that, I'll still live my life...
Something started to entwine with you and me,
but someone came along and broke us free.

I might not tell you this, but deep down inside, you know something exists.

Editor's note: wrote this a long time ago, I guess it was time to be put in a digital database.
[more coming your way]

"I wanna learn you...

inside out."
-Lifehouse

Recently, I've been...well I guess, searching for a better me. This week has helped me get a better insight on what kind of person I am, who I'm looking for and who I will become. A lot of soul searching within myself. It's tough.
You start seeing your true qualities, your defects, what you need to get rid of (bad habits), etc...
I'm still in the middle and in between paths of were and what should I be. But why should I try to see who I am to please other people. I am who I am. Sometimes I do get tired of being my good ol' self, I just wanna take a risk and not care what other people think. Or stop thinking about what I do will affect me in the future, I have to live for today...not save all my energy for a day that's not promised.

"We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are.
Sane or insane.
Saints or sex addicts.
Heroes or villains.
Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future.
Or we can decide for ourselves, and maybe it's our job to invent something better."
-Chuck Palahniuk

A little note to my post, "I wandered through fiction, to look for the truth": ...maybe sometimes what you're after is not your fault, because happily ever after is what you're taught.

Someone once said...

I came to visit you today, but as I can see, you're as happy as you can be...up in that castle of yours.

I'm just hoping that I'll be that prince charming to someone who loves me the way...I love you.

"I wandered through fiction, to look for the truth...

...buried beneath all the lies.

And I stood at a distance,

to feel who you are,

hiding myself in your eyes..."

-The Goo Goo Dolls

Haven't written one of these in a while. The excuse, been searching for the right title/song to go with this so-called, 'self-done interview'. A pathetic excuse, right?

I've been feeling so stressed and confused lately.

I did not know the summer could be this stressful and irritating, I can't stand being home anymore. It's not because of the boring days that I've gone through...those I can live with, it's just the people around me.

Maybe it's the heat caused by the useless AC in our house, this frustration has also been brought by some people, one is...well we'll call him "Mr. 'E' man" (say it fast lol), only because of thoughts that have been put into my head by other people, it's basically overwhelming my own train of thought and not being able to make a straight decision. Some say that the only reason I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with him because I'm eager to have a male companion and because of the attention he gives me...hmmm...I don't really think that can be a choice. I don't mind being my own person and my own companion. My sister mentions to me many of times that I'm so much more "beautiful" than he is. Why would I want someone who is outrageously handsome? So maybe someone can come along and steal them away? The thing that I like about him are the little things he shows towards me, cute things, something he wouldn't try showing someone else.

I have to know him a bit more to actually make a decision, I need to feel who he is as a person and see how he handles different kinds of situations that could possibly entwine myself and "Mr. 'E' man".

I believe that my own opinions about "Mr. 'E' man" haven't really hit me because I respect others opinions to a high level. I do care what other people have to say, but if I do what they want me to, I'll never be able to live my own life. I'll sit there waiting for someone to give me an option of doing something, choose the highest possibility of what the "audience" might pick and run with that. Something like, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire's ask the audience help option.

-I don't know why this has had a bigger effect on me than in the past months or years.

"A risk that might break you is the one that would save...a life...you don't live is still lost."

Taking a chance might actually help us in the end, it only comes to our choice what we want to experience when the moment arrives.

Editor's Note: Writing and thinking of the right words for this post have helped me ease into a decision that I have no idea what lies ahead for me in the future. But the spontaneity has never felt better.

"Hold on! Before it's too late...it's all that I need in my life."

"The world is open for us, we just need to take the most prized and precious first step."
-Nidia

"If the world's a stage...

. . .we're all searching for a part."

Recently these weeks have been calm but busy, makes no sense but they have.

I just found out what my role has been in life for the past 5-6 years.

I'm the kind of girl/woman that prepares guys/men, whatever you'd like to refer the opposite sex to, in getting ready for an actual relationship with someone. I'm the friend who gives them the confidence and the hope that they need. Once they get what they needed from me they go and pursue any girl that walks by them.

And I'll usually get thrown down and just get a friendly hug from that someone who I actually cared so much about.

It happened countless number of times throughout these years.

Funny how I just realized it, huh?

For example, 2 years ago I fell in love with this 20 yr old. In my eyes, he was everything I always wanted, he was perfect, he made me happy. But I was the girl who helped him get over his ex-girlfriend, who ruthlessly broke his heart. Now he's up to get married. . .but not with me. With a girl, nice girl might I add, who he met right after I came back to El Paso.

-Just a simple example.

"To never love somebody, to never see the stars from the ground, to never taste cold water..."

I'm getting tired of it. I really want to change that part of my life, I want to stop being so much of a friend and start having that bit of a romantic spark to me that guys should be interested in.

Hopefully, I can change that as soon as possible.

Besides that, summer has been great! Been talking to family a whole lot more. Expecting a cousin's arrival from New York on the 13/14th of this month. I can't wait. Work hasn't been so hectic, maybe because I rarely have hours lol. But good things come to those who wait. Hopefully.

I'm so happy I'm entering college, I finally got my head figured out (a whole lot of soul searching in myself, got my priorities straight.) I've decided what I want to major and minor in! Yay! I'm going to major in Spanish and double minors in Secondary Education and in Translation. I really really hope I don't change my mind. A teacher I had helped me realize what I really wanted to do with my life. I'm thinking of going to the school and thanking her. . .for everything. (and I want to thank you Dean, as well.)

I've been over viewing my schedule for school, man, I'm going to be going up and down this upcoming fall. But I love it, I'd rather be busy than have nothing to do.

Recently, my eyes caught hold of a city league, The Diablos, baseball player.

And wow, I'm amazed! lol! I saw him at a club "Wet" on Thursday 'Salsa Night'. I can't get enough of him. But he's just bad news, if you know what I mean. Hope I get to see more of him and actually get a number or a dance. :]

Anywho, I noticed lately that I don't/can't remember a few things that happened in the past months! I can't recall events I helped in, people, things I did, etc. . . I'm a tad scared. Hopefully it'll all come to me. I'm very excited for the 4th of July! We're headed to Red Sands that day with a couple of friends. Let's see how that goes.

[listening to Melody Gardot's album: Worrisome Heart]

"I need a hand with my worrisome heart. . .

. . .I would be lucky to find me a man

Who could love me the way that I am

With this here worrisome heart. . .

. . .I need a break from my troubling ways

I would be lucky to find me a man

Who could love me the way that I am. . .

. . .I need a man who got no baggage to claim. . .

. . .Who could love me the way that I am. . .

. . .A worrisome, troubling, baggage-free, modern day dame

Ain't nobody the same."

Basking in everything.

Recently, I've been having an enormous amount of luck in some part of my life. The part of my life I thought didn't exist. Now it's glowing more than ever.
I'm happy to say that now I'm on the right track, enjoying life to the fullest, loving and remembering every laugh, trying to make each day better than the one before.
-Enjoying so much of the present that it's hard to see and make out what lies in the future.

Events have come up nonstop. I do wish that the rest of this summer will be the same way. Been with many friends these past weeks, something that strikes me as odd. When we were in school we never took time to be together, but now that we don't see each other as often we hang out as much as we can. Something we normally didn't do together("partay" lol).

Those "awful things" have come back again to haunt me, just when I started to be the grown up and achieving the privacy that I needed in my life. Will I ever overcome them? Maybe too soon to find out, hopefully and prayerfully I will. But, I guess, it's what makes me me!

On the other hand, life has been fair; before I never had most of the things I have now, but if you just wait...it'll all come to you. . .in time.
Thinking that now in August I'm going to be surrounded by people more mature, more understanding of what's around them. Maybe I'll get "lucky". Nothing like high school, thank God.
Halfway done with orientation, I have a math teacher/tutor who knows nothing about math. When I'm there I go to sleep or daydream, if not she'll confuse and make me question Mrs. Chacon! [the best math teacher in high school]

Been feeling great emotionally and mentally but so tired physically. Doing too much, more than what my body was used to. Love it!

Update.

Plans. Plans. And more plans.
Looking for an apartment (looking but possibly won't buy none, but wanting to. No money, none at all.), summer plans, college(excited about that one), looking for a job...just to sum up a few.

Wondering how many of you actually sit there and read this. (Dean, thank you.)
And realizing that I have to stop treating this blog as if it were some kind of college essay or newspaper column.

I've learned to appreciate the true things around me, friends for one. Graduation is just around the corner, I can taste it! I'm so excited to leave all this life behind and move on to greater and better things.

I recently registered for New Student Orientation at UTEP, pretty freaking excited!
My dad isn't so enthused and optimistic about me going to college. Weird, huh? He wants me to just get a small 6 to 8 month career, and get on with my life like that. I somewhat knew and prepared myself for it because I just know how he is. I basically don't like sharing my life with my father, so some of you now know why I come to you and explain events in excruciating details. My mom on the other hand just doesn't have time...my sister, just wants you to hear her out but when it comes to you, she becomes uninterested. Funny, actually; I've come to cope and mend with it. That's why I would go to him often, but now, there's nothing to talk about or we just don't talk.
Ah, but what the heck.
Found new great/amazing people to express myself, and they actually take the time to hear me out.

Only 6 more days left of high school. Everyone is trying to finish up their yearbook signatures. Trying to keep grades up. Watching movies in every class now or just having "end of the year" parties. I've been visiting teachers that I've had throughout the years, it's been good seeing them, remembering good memories in their classroom. Some I will miss. Others...ehh.

I will surely miss the daily routine, but I think I'm positive I'll find another along the way.

Terrified.

Some of you might not know but I'm pretty frightened at the fact that maybe I'm one exam away of possibly having brain surgery.
Being a bit rash, and conclusive and might not even happen that way. But...
Today I have my EEG appointment at 8 a.m. Reading what's going to happen during the exam. Because of it, I have to stay awake 24 hrs.
Scared shitless.
You know, you don't grow up thinking that maybe someday you'll subject yourself to having "open brain surgery".
It's pretty tough, wishing that some of you were there to support me. But I'm somewhat obligated to keep it on the down low. (posting it up online isn't really keeping it on the DL lol)
I keep it to myself because it really isn't a matter that I want the whole public to be aware of, might get treated differently, the whole stereotyping deal and what not.

It's tough to write all this, 'cause every sentence I get ahold of, I begin to cry. And as we speak as well.
I really hope that none of you go through a time like this...ever.
But even though all this is going on I still live life with incredible optimism and happiness.

"Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

Living life as it comes

No looking back. Ready for what God has in store, no matter if it means having a hard life ahead or living it as I've dreamed of.

It's been going great, getting ready to start a new life and tossing an "immature" one, high school of course.

At first, I couldn't help but feel a sense of sadness, I was leaving a place that I grew to love. But as the days progressed I learned to see that it blurred everything else in life, people there would baby you and offer you chances that the real world doesn't have.

Now, I have an optimistic attitude as these days end. Looking forward, with my cup "half full". Letting some things go can be the best for all of us.

Most of us got tired of the same routine over and over again. It'll probably be the same way and even worse once we graduate, but hey, it's for us to find out.

Recently, I've been looking for a job, so then I can start looking for a car. Thanks to my sister having great hookups with a man who works at a bank. He'll be able to get me a brand new car(repoed, of course) with just 2.2% interest. Great stuff. And so I can also help my mother out and pay the house mortgage.
Many at my age wouldn't know how to handle life without having parents that have money coming out of their asses, excuse my language.
I'm blessed to have this kind of life, it teaches me to not buy what I want but to buy what I truly need. I've been under a solid budget for almost 2 years now and it's been going great. Many oppourtunities have been coming along the way.

I've been thinking so much lately about my education/career. I have no idea what I'm going to major in. Difficult decisions, and so little time to make them; about 1 year to be exact, time flies right out of your hands in the blink of an eye, so I have to make a choice sooner or later.


Possible majors:

• Spanish/Language Specialist(this includes Spanish teaching and interpretation)
• Creative Writing(movie producing, a writer of some sort)
• Theatre [Tech Crew]
• Massage Therapy/Physical Therapist
• Education
• Photography
  

Ugh, I wish I was like everyone else already knowing what they wanted to study in college. If you have everything planned for tomorrow, well, where is the spontaneity? Where is the "what if" in the future? Or the what will I have to fight for, look forward for in the future that lies ahead.


It's so tough making a decision right now. It's like I'm waiting for someone's approval or for someone to tell me what to do/what's best for me.
It's a thin debate between Spanish, Creative Writing, Education, Photography and Theatre.

My sister said, "Why don't you Major in Spanish and Minor in Creative Writing?" Because it's just not interesting for me that way, I don't get a kick out of it by just thinking about life like that. I don't want to write books in Spanish or even work in a Spanish newspaper, but I do want to interpret the Spanish language. I love writing blogs, quotes, advice and everything else in between. A massive oxymoron, none the less.

I wouldn't mind Creative Writing and Theatre going hand in hand. Maybe Spanish and Education. Theatre and Education. Creative Writing and Photography. Or even Education and Photography. I wouldn't mind being a sports photographer, or a photographer/yearbook editor for a school. But the question is which one to follow. Ugh! But what will truly benefit me down the line? Don't know.

Whatever I choose, I've been hoping for the best out of it. The best outcome to that decision.
Well just have to wait and see what's in store for tomorrow and even the next.
In this path towards "success" we will lose many "friends" who have been along our side for many years.


Note this:
"We all go through life meeting people, remembering the ones we choose, the ones who impact our lives the most. But it's not important how often we see each other but how often we think about each other. We keep those individuals in memories of our present but soon the past it will be. Trying to not let that fade away. We soon realize that we won't always be together, so we should try to make as much of the sufficient time we have to make something to remember."