Incapable.

In a desperate search to find that writer and photographer that I once had in me.
Writer's block for 3 months.
Nothing comes to mind.
Lost the sense of creativeness that ignited my fingers to type from words to sentences that turned into paragraphs and those paragraphs became a short story of the day.

Trying to regain it...for the past 3 months now.
Thought of a story not too long ago, about the mass drug related murders going on "next door".
But misdirected that story with too much thought...it broke what was supposed to come naturally.

"Through the worry, worry, worry,
caught in an endless maze,
when the lights go out,
all I can think about
is how we've seen...
better days."
-A. Lee

New Book.

It's been hard to not post any material from my book that I'm working on to blogspot. But if I post things up then what's the point of buying the book, right?
Here are a few themes/chapters in the book...and I still can't figure out a title for it.

• It's a unisex book
• Falling back into your old footsteps
• the difference from a heartbreak and a breakup
• men and women, same hardships but different situations
• maturity
• what life should really be
• the lines that should or can be crossed and the ones that can't
• the best advice is from deep within you(your gut instinct)
• acknowledge what's around you

Waiting...is it virtue? Or just apathy?

I'm getting tired of this.
Tired of wishing everyone good luck, and just watching from the sidelines.
As much as it hurts to see everyone so happy, I still tell them what's best for them.
As much as it hurts to do that, I'll still live my life...
Something started to entwine with you and me,
but someone came along and broke us free.

I might not tell you this, but deep down inside, you know something exists.

Editor's note: wrote this a long time ago, I guess it was time to be put in a digital database.
[more coming your way]

"I wanna learn you...

inside out."
-Lifehouse

Recently, I've been...well I guess, searching for a better me. This week has helped me get a better insight on what kind of person I am, who I'm looking for and who I will become. A lot of soul searching within myself. It's tough.
You start seeing your true qualities, your defects, what you need to get rid of (bad habits), etc...
I'm still in the middle and in between paths of were and what should I be. But why should I try to see who I am to please other people. I am who I am. Sometimes I do get tired of being my good ol' self, I just wanna take a risk and not care what other people think. Or stop thinking about what I do will affect me in the future, I have to live for today...not save all my energy for a day that's not promised.

"We can spend our lives letting the world tell us who we are.
Sane or insane.
Saints or sex addicts.
Heroes or villains.
Letting history tell us how good or bad we are. Letting our past decide our future.
Or we can decide for ourselves, and maybe it's our job to invent something better."
-Chuck Palahniuk

A little note to my post, "I wandered through fiction, to look for the truth": ...maybe sometimes what you're after is not your fault, because happily ever after is what you're taught.

Someone once said...

I came to visit you today, but as I can see, you're as happy as you can be...up in that castle of yours.

I'm just hoping that I'll be that prince charming to someone who loves me the way...I love you.

"I wandered through fiction, to look for the truth...

...buried beneath all the lies.

And I stood at a distance,

to feel who you are,

hiding myself in your eyes..."

-The Goo Goo Dolls

Haven't written one of these in a while. The excuse, been searching for the right title/song to go with this so-called, 'self-done interview'. A pathetic excuse, right?

I've been feeling so stressed and confused lately.

I did not know the summer could be this stressful and irritating, I can't stand being home anymore. It's not because of the boring days that I've gone through...those I can live with, it's just the people around me.

Maybe it's the heat caused by the useless AC in our house, this frustration has also been brought by some people, one is...well we'll call him "Mr. 'E' man" (say it fast lol), only because of thoughts that have been put into my head by other people, it's basically overwhelming my own train of thought and not being able to make a straight decision. Some say that the only reason I'm interested in pursuing a relationship with him because I'm eager to have a male companion and because of the attention he gives me...hmmm...I don't really think that can be a choice. I don't mind being my own person and my own companion. My sister mentions to me many of times that I'm so much more "beautiful" than he is. Why would I want someone who is outrageously handsome? So maybe someone can come along and steal them away? The thing that I like about him are the little things he shows towards me, cute things, something he wouldn't try showing someone else.

I have to know him a bit more to actually make a decision, I need to feel who he is as a person and see how he handles different kinds of situations that could possibly entwine myself and "Mr. 'E' man".

I believe that my own opinions about "Mr. 'E' man" haven't really hit me because I respect others opinions to a high level. I do care what other people have to say, but if I do what they want me to, I'll never be able to live my own life. I'll sit there waiting for someone to give me an option of doing something, choose the highest possibility of what the "audience" might pick and run with that. Something like, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire's ask the audience help option.

-I don't know why this has had a bigger effect on me than in the past months or years.

"A risk that might break you is the one that would save...a life...you don't live is still lost."

Taking a chance might actually help us in the end, it only comes to our choice what we want to experience when the moment arrives.

Editor's Note: Writing and thinking of the right words for this post have helped me ease into a decision that I have no idea what lies ahead for me in the future. But the spontaneity has never felt better.

"Hold on! Before it's too late...it's all that I need in my life."

"The world is open for us, we just need to take the most prized and precious first step."
-Nidia

"If the world's a stage...

. . .we're all searching for a part."

Recently these weeks have been calm but busy, makes no sense but they have.

I just found out what my role has been in life for the past 5-6 years.

I'm the kind of girl/woman that prepares guys/men, whatever you'd like to refer the opposite sex to, in getting ready for an actual relationship with someone. I'm the friend who gives them the confidence and the hope that they need. Once they get what they needed from me they go and pursue any girl that walks by them.

And I'll usually get thrown down and just get a friendly hug from that someone who I actually cared so much about.

It happened countless number of times throughout these years.

Funny how I just realized it, huh?

For example, 2 years ago I fell in love with this 20 yr old. In my eyes, he was everything I always wanted, he was perfect, he made me happy. But I was the girl who helped him get over his ex-girlfriend, who ruthlessly broke his heart. Now he's up to get married. . .but not with me. With a girl, nice girl might I add, who he met right after I came back to El Paso.

-Just a simple example.

"To never love somebody, to never see the stars from the ground, to never taste cold water..."

I'm getting tired of it. I really want to change that part of my life, I want to stop being so much of a friend and start having that bit of a romantic spark to me that guys should be interested in.

Hopefully, I can change that as soon as possible.

Besides that, summer has been great! Been talking to family a whole lot more. Expecting a cousin's arrival from New York on the 13/14th of this month. I can't wait. Work hasn't been so hectic, maybe because I rarely have hours lol. But good things come to those who wait. Hopefully.

I'm so happy I'm entering college, I finally got my head figured out (a whole lot of soul searching in myself, got my priorities straight.) I've decided what I want to major and minor in! Yay! I'm going to major in Spanish and double minors in Secondary Education and in Translation. I really really hope I don't change my mind. A teacher I had helped me realize what I really wanted to do with my life. I'm thinking of going to the school and thanking her. . .for everything. (and I want to thank you Dean, as well.)

I've been over viewing my schedule for school, man, I'm going to be going up and down this upcoming fall. But I love it, I'd rather be busy than have nothing to do.

Recently, my eyes caught hold of a city league, The Diablos, baseball player.

And wow, I'm amazed! lol! I saw him at a club "Wet" on Thursday 'Salsa Night'. I can't get enough of him. But he's just bad news, if you know what I mean. Hope I get to see more of him and actually get a number or a dance. :]

Anywho, I noticed lately that I don't/can't remember a few things that happened in the past months! I can't recall events I helped in, people, things I did, etc. . . I'm a tad scared. Hopefully it'll all come to me. I'm very excited for the 4th of July! We're headed to Red Sands that day with a couple of friends. Let's see how that goes.

[listening to Melody Gardot's album: Worrisome Heart]

"I need a hand with my worrisome heart. . .

. . .I would be lucky to find me a man

Who could love me the way that I am

With this here worrisome heart. . .

. . .I need a break from my troubling ways

I would be lucky to find me a man

Who could love me the way that I am. . .

. . .I need a man who got no baggage to claim. . .

. . .Who could love me the way that I am. . .

. . .A worrisome, troubling, baggage-free, modern day dame

Ain't nobody the same."

Basking in everything.

Recently, I've been having an enormous amount of luck in some part of my life. The part of my life I thought didn't exist. Now it's glowing more than ever.
I'm happy to say that now I'm on the right track, enjoying life to the fullest, loving and remembering every laugh, trying to make each day better than the one before.
-Enjoying so much of the present that it's hard to see and make out what lies in the future.

Events have come up nonstop. I do wish that the rest of this summer will be the same way. Been with many friends these past weeks, something that strikes me as odd. When we were in school we never took time to be together, but now that we don't see each other as often we hang out as much as we can. Something we normally didn't do together("partay" lol).

Those "awful things" have come back again to haunt me, just when I started to be the grown up and achieving the privacy that I needed in my life. Will I ever overcome them? Maybe too soon to find out, hopefully and prayerfully I will. But, I guess, it's what makes me me!

On the other hand, life has been fair; before I never had most of the things I have now, but if you just wait...it'll all come to you. . .in time.
Thinking that now in August I'm going to be surrounded by people more mature, more understanding of what's around them. Maybe I'll get "lucky". Nothing like high school, thank God.
Halfway done with orientation, I have a math teacher/tutor who knows nothing about math. When I'm there I go to sleep or daydream, if not she'll confuse and make me question Mrs. Chacon! [the best math teacher in high school]

Been feeling great emotionally and mentally but so tired physically. Doing too much, more than what my body was used to. Love it!

Update.

Plans. Plans. And more plans.
Looking for an apartment (looking but possibly won't buy none, but wanting to. No money, none at all.), summer plans, college(excited about that one), looking for a job...just to sum up a few.

Wondering how many of you actually sit there and read this. (Dean, thank you.)
And realizing that I have to stop treating this blog as if it were some kind of college essay or newspaper column.

I've learned to appreciate the true things around me, friends for one. Graduation is just around the corner, I can taste it! I'm so excited to leave all this life behind and move on to greater and better things.

I recently registered for New Student Orientation at UTEP, pretty freaking excited!
My dad isn't so enthused and optimistic about me going to college. Weird, huh? He wants me to just get a small 6 to 8 month career, and get on with my life like that. I somewhat knew and prepared myself for it because I just know how he is. I basically don't like sharing my life with my father, so some of you now know why I come to you and explain events in excruciating details. My mom on the other hand just doesn't have time...my sister, just wants you to hear her out but when it comes to you, she becomes uninterested. Funny, actually; I've come to cope and mend with it. That's why I would go to him often, but now, there's nothing to talk about or we just don't talk.
Ah, but what the heck.
Found new great/amazing people to express myself, and they actually take the time to hear me out.

Only 6 more days left of high school. Everyone is trying to finish up their yearbook signatures. Trying to keep grades up. Watching movies in every class now or just having "end of the year" parties. I've been visiting teachers that I've had throughout the years, it's been good seeing them, remembering good memories in their classroom. Some I will miss. Others...ehh.

I will surely miss the daily routine, but I think I'm positive I'll find another along the way.

Terrified.

Some of you might not know but I'm pretty frightened at the fact that maybe I'm one exam away of possibly having brain surgery.
Being a bit rash, and conclusive and might not even happen that way. But...
Today I have my EEG appointment at 8 a.m. Reading what's going to happen during the exam. Because of it, I have to stay awake 24 hrs.
Scared shitless.
You know, you don't grow up thinking that maybe someday you'll subject yourself to having "open brain surgery".
It's pretty tough, wishing that some of you were there to support me. But I'm somewhat obligated to keep it on the down low. (posting it up online isn't really keeping it on the DL lol)
I keep it to myself because it really isn't a matter that I want the whole public to be aware of, might get treated differently, the whole stereotyping deal and what not.

It's tough to write all this, 'cause every sentence I get ahold of, I begin to cry. And as we speak as well.
I really hope that none of you go through a time like this...ever.
But even though all this is going on I still live life with incredible optimism and happiness.

"Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

Living life as it comes

No looking back. Ready for what God has in store, no matter if it means having a hard life ahead or living it as I've dreamed of.

It's been going great, getting ready to start a new life and tossing an "immature" one, high school of course.

At first, I couldn't help but feel a sense of sadness, I was leaving a place that I grew to love. But as the days progressed I learned to see that it blurred everything else in life, people there would baby you and offer you chances that the real world doesn't have.

Now, I have an optimistic attitude as these days end. Looking forward, with my cup "half full". Letting some things go can be the best for all of us.

Most of us got tired of the same routine over and over again. It'll probably be the same way and even worse once we graduate, but hey, it's for us to find out.

Recently, I've been looking for a job, so then I can start looking for a car. Thanks to my sister having great hookups with a man who works at a bank. He'll be able to get me a brand new car(repoed, of course) with just 2.2% interest. Great stuff. And so I can also help my mother out and pay the house mortgage.
Many at my age wouldn't know how to handle life without having parents that have money coming out of their asses, excuse my language.
I'm blessed to have this kind of life, it teaches me to not buy what I want but to buy what I truly need. I've been under a solid budget for almost 2 years now and it's been going great. Many oppourtunities have been coming along the way.

I've been thinking so much lately about my education/career. I have no idea what I'm going to major in. Difficult decisions, and so little time to make them; about 1 year to be exact, time flies right out of your hands in the blink of an eye, so I have to make a choice sooner or later.


Possible majors:

• Spanish/Language Specialist(this includes Spanish teaching and interpretation)
• Creative Writing(movie producing, a writer of some sort)
• Theatre [Tech Crew]
• Massage Therapy/Physical Therapist
• Education
• Photography
  

Ugh, I wish I was like everyone else already knowing what they wanted to study in college. If you have everything planned for tomorrow, well, where is the spontaneity? Where is the "what if" in the future? Or the what will I have to fight for, look forward for in the future that lies ahead.


It's so tough making a decision right now. It's like I'm waiting for someone's approval or for someone to tell me what to do/what's best for me.
It's a thin debate between Spanish, Creative Writing, Education, Photography and Theatre.

My sister said, "Why don't you Major in Spanish and Minor in Creative Writing?" Because it's just not interesting for me that way, I don't get a kick out of it by just thinking about life like that. I don't want to write books in Spanish or even work in a Spanish newspaper, but I do want to interpret the Spanish language. I love writing blogs, quotes, advice and everything else in between. A massive oxymoron, none the less.

I wouldn't mind Creative Writing and Theatre going hand in hand. Maybe Spanish and Education. Theatre and Education. Creative Writing and Photography. Or even Education and Photography. I wouldn't mind being a sports photographer, or a photographer/yearbook editor for a school. But the question is which one to follow. Ugh! But what will truly benefit me down the line? Don't know.

Whatever I choose, I've been hoping for the best out of it. The best outcome to that decision.
Well just have to wait and see what's in store for tomorrow and even the next.
In this path towards "success" we will lose many "friends" who have been along our side for many years.


Note this:
"We all go through life meeting people, remembering the ones we choose, the ones who impact our lives the most. But it's not important how often we see each other but how often we think about each other. We keep those individuals in memories of our present but soon the past it will be. Trying to not let that fade away. We soon realize that we won't always be together, so we should try to make as much of the sufficient time we have to make something to remember."

Remembering him once again.

Remembering how I fell in love with him, how I lost him, how nothing even started, how I watched him take the joyous voyage to the steps of engagement and now marriage.

He was the kind of person that you want them to be happy, no matter how far that puts you in their lives.

All this "love" makes me laugh, "why do I hold it so closely, if it doesn't...if it doesn't mean anything." One thing that I could tell you that it was so much farther than what people now call love. What they feel is premature enlightenment. Because they just get a hint of it, and instantaneously it's the best thing in the world, and they don't stop calling it that.

It degrades/demeans what it really is.

You know, they say that the best ones are never yours.
I'm starting to think that that's true.

This will sound sad, but I don't believe that I'll love someone else as much. This is more understandable and even more reasonable now that I have fallen out of love, and seen it from a different point of view. Funny that I still out speak these feelings after 2 years of meeting him. And what a wonderful time that was.


It's never logical when you're in love. I never thought or told myself why am I keeping this faith and hope. Why did I keep it, if there was no secure-ment of a relationship forming.
We're just like a racehorse running through the track with blinders on, seeing only what we want to see(only what benefits us), and not looking around. Not realizing and actually admiring what surrounds us. This is what happens when love takes over...

This might infer to you to not fall in love. No, I'm not saying that, love is amazing. Just fall in love but through a bird's eye view noticing and taking in things from a different perception/perspective, and not just hearing things the way you want them but in reality how they really are.

"She was a smart girl, till she fell in love."

Someone taught me to not look forward for those dumb fake fairy tale stories, that almost the majority of all women make up, they set up fake preferences and goals in relationships we have. We(women) look forward to a prince charming to come sweep us off our feet, right? Thanks to all these movies, books and T.V. series like Passions or Days of Our Lives. We have to see the reality in them...there isn't any.

So why wait for the guy if tomorrow isn't promised, we all have goals(relationships) we want to succeed in, what's stopping us from actually living those goals/dreams? Shouldn't we make as much progress as we can today?

Fall in love...carefully.

We work so hard for something, and in an instant it's out of your hands and on the floor.

Funny how fast everything you've worked for, everything you've tried to accomplish in a certain period of time, can all fall down the drain in less than 30 seconds. And I'm not going to lie, it completely ruins my goals, my tasks that I have set for myself. I am no longer able to complete them...in an independent stage.

Yesterday, early in the day, miraculously I started feeling the adult that I'm supposed to be.

But I tell myself this very often, no matter how old you act or the level of maturity you've been able to acquire, people will always see you as the number in your I.D. People, might include family, friends, love interests, teachers, employers/employees/coworkers, etc...

It might change throughout, but it is rare for 35 yr old to see an 18 yr old as one of their own(not meaning as a child or sibling), just a simple example.

Thought that I was ready to set myself free from all the things that we usually attain from home.

 Someone always stands in my path for success, they just don't allow me to get a taste of the nice midnight breeze. This might sound arrogant or non appreciative, but this person is my mother. Many always tell my sister and I, "oh you just don't understand, just wait till you have kids." But that's not an accurate piece of information. I see individuals with an eased state of mind, and their children are emerging greatly in this "piece-of-shit" world.

Maybe I'm just overlooking too many things right now because part of my life is ending really soon, not dying but just ending.

But that's the beauty of it, we all have to adjust to it and change with it.

No matter how life changing or life breaking it could be.

Treating apathy as some kind of virtue? Or is it life?

Recently, I've been becoming afraid, afraid of becoming like John Doe from Se7en. But of course, not in anyway similar to him for the murders but of the way he writes, how he writes, etc... He writes endlessly in these notebooks, thousands of them, each with 250 pages and all filled from top to bottom with detailed choice of words. It's incredible for this fictional character to do such a thing, but at the same time disgusting, what he does.

This, as you come to infer, is a small trickle of imagination cutting loose and speaking out.




Anyway, I say this because I love writing...some things. For example, at school we're forced to write essays about Frankenstein, what does Dante think about the Seven Deadly Sins, Canterbury's Tales, how do I think my anatomy lab went, what do I think about: Ahmadinejad jeering out at the anti-racism conference, cutting down on $100 million in 90 days, how President Karzai tells Fareed Zakaria that the U.S. must work with the Afghan government, not the Taliban, for peace, how President Hugo Chavez's ignorance and hypocrisy towards President Obama, could have, in reality, a true meaning there, a purpose. The list goes on and on. This kind of writing is hard to enjoy, I probably speak for myself here, some students could write never ending reports about these topics.

I'm the kind of person who enjoys writing about how my past days have reflected on days that are up to come. Not events that affect just myself but the people around me, as well. How my so-called "love life" hasn't really taken shape, the amazing friends that surround me, events that try to engulf almost all of me with just one breath, if that makes any sense.
Recently, I've been thinking and wondering about "writing" because I'm behind on school work. And it's mostly essay work. Part of it, is because I've become so overwhelmed with procrastination, that it's not even funny.
Funny how I'd rather write endlessly in these blogs other than doing homework.
Funny how "I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue."

First of all, shocked, is all I can say...

Yesterday was all but expected.
We seriously had no idea that we were to be chosen to advance in UIL One Act Play for Regional Competition. But incredibly, we compelled the judge for the night of our interpretation of "The Rimers of Eldritch" by Lanford Wilson.

After our performance, around 6 p.m., our sound technician and I headed backstage to help the rest of the crew and cast place all of our props back so the next performing play, Burgess(in which they will be accompanying us to Regionals also, for their winning achievements.), could set their props for their performance. This time after our performance, I was all but confident, I almost certainly knew that my lights were all but perfect.

Because I was in a state of anxiety, it was hard to see and even do my job right. My nerves were so infectious to my body that I almost began to cry. Everyone, including parents, were consoling me, telling me that it was the best performance of the year, that it was truly realistic and believable. Yeah; they were talking all about the cast, and don't get me wrong, they were genuinely amazing. Even I, who have witnessed the play countless number of times, had to take a minute to absorb the great acting skills that were shown that night from our cast.

After a while, I began to calm myself down and just enjoy the night, I somewhat did. That goal wasn't fully accomplished because we had many thoughts that:
1. we were done for.
2. not to be cocky, but this was the last year that our directors had a winning chance with a big cast and crew.
3. as my last year at Riverside High School, we weren't advancing.
4. as my last year, this may be almost last chance that I'll be able to be in an actual theatre competition and in theatre alone; and be surrounded by the people I truly admire and love.

By the time that awards were up to be announced, almost all of us were accepting the fact that we were up against two other schools that had better acting, lighting, sound, costumes, than us. That we didn't stand a chance. That they have fooled the judge so well into believing their little quirk of a show. A concept that we thought we knew that we didn't achieve.

But the true quirk of fate, was ours. In shocking surprise, the contest manager announced our name in one of two advancing plays. We also took home the best actress award, three all-star cast awards and three honorable mention awards. After awards, we were up for critique by the judge. When the judge came up to us, she made notice that we verily compelled her with our show. That we weren't the ones fooling her into believing our show, she was the one fooling us, at the beginning, making us believe that our show was an unacceptable excuse of a play.

We all went home with proud bodies of mind remembering the stand innovation from known friends and family after our performance.
But what we needed, was to give ourselves our own stand innovation, and realize the extraordinary job last night, a part from the other plays.
"The difference between ordinary and extraordinary, is that little extra."

and I speak for all of us there:
Last of all, shocked, is all I can say...

April 4, 2009; a retrospective moment...

A great day, none the less. It all started by going to Tinseltown Movie Theatres, buying tickets for The Fast and The Furious and then changing them last minute so we can see The Haunting In Connecticut. An interesting, somewhat scary(the thing that makes this movie scary was that it was based on true events/true story), and a bit twisting. The biggest part that I loved was watching it with Maria, gosh, she gets frightened so easily, it's actually funny. Poor her, she would jump at the sight of something insignificantly dire.

After that we decided to go dine in at Pei Wei Asian restaurant...but fortunately it was extremely full of people looking to grab some won tons and orange chicken. We then took a vote on just grabbing a bite to eat at Applebee's, had a 9 oz. Sirloin steak with 3 strawberry lemonades, it was alright, my sirloin was a tad bit overcooked.
But overlooking the fact that my plate could of been a victim like of that of the movie "Waiting...", the night was great, as I said before.
Cindy, Eddie, Maria and Lauren were entertaining throughout the night. Maria had a crazy idea, in which actually convinced me to go to Jaguar's Strip Club(now that I'm able to go), but of course we didn't go. What a bummer. Funny how we wanted to attend a women's strip club and see them demean themselves and abuse cocaine...ha ha.

Other than this, it was much fun, had a few thoughts that maybe he could of celebrated it with me but realized it won't ever happen that way, this realization was first brought upon a new upcoming movie called "Obsessed", it seems like an interesting movie...

Well, best wishes to myself and happy birthday...
Honestly,
-Nidia

today was a good day...for my birthday eve

Today was pretty interesting and well...
wishing that he can see what I go through just because of him...but there he goes "loving" his gf.

"I'm getting tired of this.
Tired of wishing everyone good luck, and just watching from the sidelines.
As much as it hurts to see everyone so happy, I still tell them what's best for them.
As much as it hurts to do that, I'll still live my life...
Something started to entwine with you and me, but someone came along and broke us free."

Besides the lines above, the day was pretty great; I spent this day like I would of liked to. Many great laughs that will probably be remembered for a good amount of time.

Went to the twins' track meet at the school, pretty exciting for all of us, meet many handsome young men(when I mean handsome young men I mean: immature, looking for someone to f..., "closed minded", all brawns and no brains, etc...).

While there I worked on many friendships, tried to get them back up where they used to be...but of course I won't be able to do that in one day.

I also enjoyed this day because my father for the first time since I can remember, wasn't angry for the week/weekend of my birthday. Actually, it's a miracle. And a hard to believe one too.

I got a few things ready for tomorrow(my birthday dinner), setting times and restaurants that accommodate everyone or that everyone will enjoy. Excited for it. Wishing he could be there tomorrow, but realizing that it won't happen like that.

Hopefully everything will work out and will be a night to remember...

Honestly, Nidia

The race towards a competitive streak has begun

Yesterday,
at first, was extremely tiring, with wind of almost 50 mph blowing across us, taking us unexpectedly...just like we did in our night's performance of Rimers of Eldritch at The Chamizal Theatre. Before we presented that night, we attended our tech rehearsal which took place around 12:30 p.m., we didn't think we had a winning chance, we were frightened at the fact that this can actually be our last time rehearsing and performing this breath taking and moral inspiring play. We were nervous, I always am, so I ignored my own pressure in which was put upon our director(s) to do an incredible job on my, ok, ok their light board. We had many hours ahead of us before we were up to perform, about 7 or 8 hours. Imagine being together with actors and actresses that are "divas". A weird experience, none the less. It in fact was a long and hard day.

But after looking at it in winning eyes, it was a night that should have been enjoyed and pondered long after the stage lights have dimmed and the play has ended.

I wish I was where I was a year ago...

Seriously, I wish I was where I was a year ago...
deeply committed to and in my religion.

Now, before I go to sleep, I look back on that day, and there really isn't anything there.
I'm missing something, I know what it is, it's God.
Now I feel as if there is nothing to me than just pure hypocrisy(not entirely true lol)
I understand that it was my dumb choice to fall out of my religion, now I have to make a choice again and get back into it.
Even though I don't have time, I'll have to make time; how would I feel if God said to me, "You know what Nidia, I just don't have time for you today, I'm pretty busy doing my own things and hanging with a couple of friends."
-I know that I wouldn't like that very much.


I have to change, now.
Not tomorrow and of course not yesterday because it's history.
As said in Kung Fu Panda:
"You are too concerned with what was and what will be.
There's a saying:
"Yesterday is history,
tomorrow is a mystery,
but today is a gift.
That is why it is called the present.""

lol